Lindiwe Rasekola and Nu Davidson are sex coaches: women who help others navigate sex, relationships and finding pleasure. In their work, they deal with both men and women about a myriad of sexual health issues.
We spoke to them about the things they wished more women knew.
What Our Sex Coaches Wished Women Knew
#1: Your Low Libido Is Caused By Many, Many Things
When asked what was the number one concern women have, both very quickly let us know that almost every woman is worried her libido is too low.
“Often I find that that’s rooted in insecurities,” says Nu. “And because a large majority of women are not having the intimacy and sex that they desire and also to acknowledge that low libido can be caused by a majority of different reasons.” This could be stress, different medication, like antidepressants, or even various stages of the menstrual cycle.
Getting to the cause of the low libido is one the best ways to solve the problem, says Nu. “We map future progress because obviously my work is always future-focused. We know what’s not working. Now how are we going to get to where you want to be? And then we explore for that individual.”
Lindiwe struggled with a low libido herself, and tried to find something that would help. Enter her natural solution: a candy made from sugar cane juice. (Fact: sugar cane juice is super healthy.) The magic ingredients are folic acid and vitamin D, which can enhance arousal.
That’s not to say you’ll be walking around wanting to boink: “You could take it on an average day and still be able to go about your day and not feel this insatiable need to be having sex but the moment you get touched, it’s all systems go,” says Lindiwe. “It gives you harder erections, more stamina, it makes you extra lubricated, and it basically increases sensitivity.” Interested? Check Lindiwe’s socials for the launch in September.
#2: Get More Comfortable With Your Body
A lot of our problems with sex can stem from our misconceptions around what sex should be. “Unfortunately the model of what most people have learned with sex ed has been pretty heteronormative: penetrative, penis and vagina, ejaculation the end,” explains Nu. “So my purpose is really to normalise sex and intimacy and redefine it for the individual.”
To start, Nu has women becoming more familiar with their bodies. That could involve mirror work (looking at yourself in the mirror), body affirmations and vulva gazing, says Nu. “There’s a variety of things people can try that works for them, based on where they are in their experience. And really becoming familiar with your body and what pleasure feels like and looks like to you [is important].”
#3: Lube Is Queen
When it comes to sex, lube can be a godsend, especially for women dealing with a lack of arousal. “Wetter is better,” says Nu. “Lubricant is a pleasure enhancer.” Since dry sex can be harder to find pleasurable, using lube can speed up the process of going from “meh” to “OMG!”
Plus, it’s safer, says Nu. “It’s more comfortable but also you’re not going to then create abrasions and tear the skin which can then leave you vulnerable to bacteria and STI and UTIs.”
#4: Anxiety Influences Sexual Performance
This is as true for women as it is for men. For women, this takes the form of vaginal dryness or tightness. “Painful sex for women is the female version of performance anxiety,” says Lindiwe. “[It] depends on whether you’re taking medication or if you’re at a certain point of your menstrual cycle or if you’re stressed or depressed or whatever the case is”.
#5: Having An Orgasm Is NOT The Most Important Thing
The idea that sex always needs to end in an orgasm is erroneous. For Lindiwe, it’s a question mostly men come to her for. “I do get mostly men in my DMs, to be quite honest,” she says. “Men wanting to find out how they can make their women a little bit more experimental or try new things in the bedroom and not be too scared to stop to stop tensing up when they’re about to orgasm and how they can make women orgasm.”
Having said all that, the orgasm is not necessary for pleasurable sex. “I love the awkwardness in-between, the giggles, the ‘I can change this position,’” says Lindiwe. “All of that is what makes sex an experience and if I had never achieved orgasms in my life, but I’m still experiencing pleasure, and I’m actually feeling good, then I wouldn’t care. But someone out there is telling you that if you haven’t had this mind-blowing explosive feeling, then you haven’t really experienced sex and I think that’s where the negativity comes from.”
Feeling empowered yet? The Zoie app has even more resources, including our Sexual Wellness Circle, where you can ask every cringey question you’re too shy to ask anyone else. Plus, you can book an appointment with Nu and Lindiwe (our sex coaches) from the app.